by Charissa Becker-Martinez, Cheryl Becker, and Forrest Becker

Sitting within the Circle of Friends, it’s easy to see the love and dedication each of the volunteers infuses into the carefully cultivated landscape surrounding us. The various shades of green, mixed with a spattering of colors of flowers, depending on the season, greet our wandering eyes. One deep breath of the sheer beauty and tranquility enveloping us makes us feel so welcome and peaceful. And then our gaze falls on one name, Arthur Woodrow Becker. Instantly we are filled with an unfathomable jolt of pain, brought on by the loss of a life too young and with so much yet to accomplish. Our hearts are also filled with immense love and countless memories at seeing his name engraved within the circle, and remember the life of a wonderful human being who touched our lives so deeply, even for such a brief and breathtaking moment.

Arthur’s soul was filled with love, compassion, and a bursting curiosity to understand the world he lived in. His love of the physical world, especially rocks…yes, simply rocks…was apparent from an early age. Mom shares memories of the kitchen and bathroom sinks filled with many rocks, a cosmopolitan arrangement of sizes, shapes, and colors. Arthur could never pass up a pretty rock, and there were so many for him to collect on the eleven acres we lived on just outside a very small town in south central Montana. Science projects were a great passion for him, and we all remember the baking soda volcanoes and homemade rockets Arthur constructed with help from Dad…in the hopes of launching them into the far reaches of outer space.

Arthur was determined to understand the world around him, but he was burdened with a much greater curiosity to understand who he was and discover where he belonged in this mysterious thing called “life”. His childhood years were painful and rife with challenges in the struggle to “find himself.” Although he knew he was loved by us, he felt there was something fundamentally flawed in his genes, and he felt shame. As a young child, he was attracted to several of his male teachers, and this confused him. His sensitivity and compassion brought with it a number of years of bullying from his peers. Due to the economy and difficulty in finding a steady job to support the family, Dad had to look for work outside Montana. The day he came back home to take us away to California, Arthur was ecstatic and all too happy to say “goodbye” to the little town that could never understand or accept him.

California was a new adventure and Arthur was excited to see if the answers were hidden here in the interesting and foreign landscape. Little did he know this is where he would down-spiral to the depths of despair and find himself once again.

Coming to California at the age of fourteen, Arthur was overwhelmed and excited for the opportunity to discover himself and shed the existence he begrudgingly led in Montana. No longer would he have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. Unfortunately, the small farming community where he landed was a repeat of the one he left behind, only a grander scale. His school peers were no more accepting or understanding of him than a majority of the ones he left in Montana. Soon he connected with a group of like-minded teenagers who shared his frustration with a world that would never accept him or understand him.

One day Arthur was invited to join his new friends on a trip to San Francisco. A normal drive on any other day, but for him this drive would be different because the very moment he stepped out of the car in The Castro, Arthur finally discovered himself and found a place in his world where he would always be accepted. Unfortunately, tight within the clutches of substance abuse, it would be many years before he would accept himself and find his home in the great San Francisco.

In 1991 Arthur joined the U.S. Navy. He was excited to embark on this great and fulfilling career in the military. But this dream was cut short after he was discovered to be homosexual. This short career ended with a general discharge, but Arthur was reeling, angry, and struggled to find footing in his adult life. Soon after leaving the military, he moved to a town fifty miles north of San Francisco, fell in love for the first time and also discovered he was HIV positive. This was still a time when people who were diagnosed with HIV quickly succumbed. With this knowledge, Arthur lost himself in a destructive cycle of using crystal meth, mingled with intermittent recovery, for over ten years. Through it all, he always stayed in touch with us because he knew we loved him unconditionally, even though we could only offer him “tough love”. Arthur would finally find himself in San Francisco, at the bottom of his personal pit…and with hard work and the love and support of his family, he would successfully emerge from this pit, finding himself in a life he could accept as his own. When Arthur finally embraced recovery, his life blossomed, his passion for the things he enjoyed in life was reignited, and he would touch more lives than he could ever imagine he might.

Realizing his life could be long and fulfilling, living a healthy life with HIV/AIDS became paramount for Arthur. He eventually brought his viral load to undetectable levels. Also, due to an anomaly, he remained illness-free, even with a very low T-cell count. He offered his time and body to scientific research in hopes of finding better medicines and a possible cure for the disease. He openly shared his excitement and hope that in his lifetime HIV/AIDS would officially be declared a thing of the past.

Arthur was like a physical extension of San Francisco. He could navigate BART and the Muni systems almost in his sleep. Traversing any part of the bustling city would leave his overwhelmed sister tightly holding his hand in tow as he gracefully and effortlessly navigated the path to their destination. And he always enjoyed searching out the most tasteful foods around the city. His resources were endless, especially when it came to food. From a very young age Arthur was concocting creative dishes and spice mixes. His ability to dazzle taste buds improved by great strides over time. San Francisco provided him access to a wide variety of ethnic ingredients, and his specialty dishes were always of the Asian influence—with his own twist, of course. Of note, his favorite foods, hands-down, was anything fermented. We would always make sure pickles and sauerkraut were in our refrigerators when he would come to visit.

Giving was important to Arthur and was always excited to volunteer his time at Gay Pride and for the Castro Patrol when he could. Another passion was “My Puppies” at the SF SPCA, where he dedicated several hours each week to love, feed, and nurture abandoned and rescued puppies in preparation for adoption into loving homes.

Arthur also wanted to go back to school and earn a degree. As he loved rocks, he chose Geology at UCSF studying the one big rock we live on, Earth. However, he would come to realize his passion for rocks would be more of a hobby in his life. He always had a knack for computers and for many years studied, utilized, and contributed to the free and open-source software, Linux. Because of his computer savvy, he decided on a computer career path at CCSF. At the time of his death, Arthur was only three months from earning a certificate in computer programming, with the possibility of an internship shortly after his graduation. He was posthumously awarded his diploma. Another hobby Arthur found in his life was ceramics. His passion for throwing pottery was evident in the beautiful works of art he shared with family and friends. He spent many hours at Ruby’s Clay Studio creating wonderful pieces of carefully crafted clay.

On a personal level, Arthur wanted to live a selfless life, and find more peace within his heart. Meditation became important and he always looked forward to his weekly meditations at the Mindfulness Care Center. He also attended a profoundly insightful silent retreat in Northern California. Another way Arthur deepened his meditative experience was utilizing his love of nature. In Yosemite he spent one week on a solo hike. Locally, he accomplished several solo hikes and was involved with Sierra Club outings. He and his sister also spent two days hiking in Lassen Volcanic National Park. On each of these hikes, Arthur experienced the vast beauty and sometimes unforgiving terrain he encountered, scrutinized the many rocks along his hiking trails, and captured perfectly the simple beauty of many small flowers greeting him along the way. He dreamed of one day hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. Unfortunately, this dream would not be realized.

The most special and heartwarming part of our “Story from the Heart” is here, where we express the immeasurable love we have for Arthur. Collectively, the most special times were those we spent as a wonderful family of four. There were also times when we individually shared cherished moments with Arthur. His dad will never forget the road trip he shared with Arthur to the Bonneville Salt Flats, including some off-road driving in the back country together. A magical father and son bonding time to treasure. His mom is most touched by her protective and loving son who enjoyed staying with her when dad had to be away from home. He would cook her special dishes and talk about so much together. Arthur would always be grateful for the goodies mom would send him home with after their visit. His sister will always have the special memory of the two of them, on a train trip to Montana to see family members. It took two days to get there, and two days to get home. It was in these four days that she had her little brother (and her best friend) all to herself. These memories, and more, keep Arthur’s spirit alive in our hearts. In the time we spend reliving these moments he is alive once again, laughing his wonderful laugh and looking at us, into our souls, with those beautiful blue eyes.

It was not HIV/AIDS that ended Arthur’s life at 43, but a massive heart attack as he slept in his apartment on February 19th, 2014. On several occasions, shortly before his death, he shared with his family the fact that, “If I died today it would be okay because I am happy with my life”. The day he died, Arthur had finished an extended HIV/AIDS research study he was involved in. He donated several lymph nodes, a selfless act to benefit others who suffer from the disease. It was after his death that we also discovered the far reaches of his compassion and kindness. Many people love Arthur and will miss him.

A dear friend of Arthur’s introduced us to The Grove. Engraving his name here was a wonderful way to honor his memory and his selfless acts in the fight against HIV/AIDS. He has truly earned a place among the Circle of Friends. Green was Arthur’s favorite color, and on special occasions we sprinkle a little green glitter in his name. When our visit has come to an end, as we walk away, we glance over our shoulders to capture one last look at the beauty of where we have just been, with the one we love. And on a sunny day we can always be sure Arthur is winking back at us… green glitter sparkling in the sun. It is a small comfort for such a great loss that we will experience every day for the rest of our lives. But we embrace it because it does comfort us. And we smile.